• Loser: This is Windows Support and I need to talk with the primary computer user.
  It seems to me these morons always ask for the main/primary computer user; but I do find it amusing: logically speaking the primary user has a better chance of knowing these guys are low life scum trying to scare people into downloading malware (and who knows, maybe Ransomware?) so wouldn't it be better to be anyone who uses the computer? It probably would but I suppose they fool most people anyway...
• Me: I am the primary computer user.
  Technically I am the only computer user for this computer; but I don't mind pretending I am just the 'primary user' if it means I can waste their time.
• Loser: Your Windows security service is failing and your computer is downloading bad software.
  I don't recall the exact wording he used but to be honest (honesty being something sadly missing from their person) I mostly don't pay attention to them anyway; I know the routine: your computer has a security problem, find the Windows key, press it and some other key and ultimately having you 'fix' your computer but the only thing you're fixing it with is problems.
• Me: Okay.
• Loser: Are you in front of your computer?
  Naturally I am. Of course you might like to believe they make use of the few brain cells they have and at least ask this before telling me my computer has a security problem (in one instance the scammer actually asked me after if my computer was turned on after telling me my computer was sending them bad signals...the stupidity is hard to imagine). But I guess I'm giving them too much credit on this one. Actually what is more likely it is they are so eager to cheat yet another person that they get ahead of themselves!
• Me: Yes.
• Loser: Look at the left of your keyboard by the CTRL key, what do you see to the right of it?
  To give this idiot credit he actually pronounced it as 'control' like anyone with half a clue does). But on the other hand he already at this point made several incorrect assumptions including that I would 'obviously' have a Windows key because there certainly can't be a keyboard without a 'Windows key'. The horror of it all!
• Me: Windows key.
  Of course I was at this point telling a lie but a lie for a good cause so what's the harm?
• Loser: I need you to hold down this key and then press the R key. So hold it down at the same time. Do you see anything on your screen?
• Me: I see the same thing.
  Of course I wasn't holding any keys down but I was telling the truth in that there was no change on my screen. But! It's always the user, isn't it? Well usually it is, that is true. In truth he didn't seem to 'understand' (I know that might be a bit kind but bear with me) what I had said.
• Loser: What do you mean?
• Me: I mean nothing changes on the screen, that is I see the same thing.
  Obviously he was confused because 'something wasn't right' but that didn't mean he felt it wasn't initially my fault.
• Loser: You must hold the Windows key down at the same time as 'R'.
  Just like you said the first time...
• Me: I am. Well not really but it's just the same in the end...
• Loser: Look at the bottom left of your screen. Do you see the Windows menu? Click it.
• Me: Okay.
  Even though I didn't click the 'start menu' I did in fact click the equivalent in my desktop environment.
• Loser: Look at the bottom. Do you see a search bar?
• Me: No I do not.
  Technically true: it's at the top in my desktop environment. But he felt he was being deceived at this point although how he was being deceived was very different than what he thought.
• Loser: Who do you think you're fooling? You're not even in front of a computer!
• Me: Actually I am it's just I don't use Windows you fucking moron. Incidentally I don't have a Windows key on my keyboard.
  He hung up at this point but I'll still answer his hypothetical question: I was fooling him; who else would I be fooling? The wall? But I admit with heavy heart that fooling him isn't exactly an accomplishment...