"Okay, what do you want me to do so I can prove you wrong?"

Unsolicited 'Technical Support' Telephone call, 2014/10/29.

While this was not the first time I've received a call like this, it is the first time I documented one and this was, I must say, quite enjoyable. And although some might just be angry at the situation (and rightfully so), not get anything else out of it, I feel it is better to educate others as best you can (if you have family that might fall prey to this, do them and yourself a favour and prevent the nightmare that will inevitably follow). The same applies to friends. Keep in mind that these people will prey on the emotion of fear (a very strong emotion indeed) and those losing clarity (elderly, for example). Still, while this is true, what follows is for those who enjoy wasting time of idiots like the person who called me, insisting I had a "problem" with my computer. I had a lot of fun here and if I can provide amusement to others (beyond those who already have confirmed they indeed found this hilarious) then all the better.

The best part, perhaps to me, is how he came to decide I was wasting HIS time (because now it was as if I CALLED HIM so he could scam me!). This was presumably reason enough to start swearing at me incessantly like an immature spoilt brat. I suppose he thought this would make me feel bad or perhaps he simply couldn't accept he was outwitted and there wasn't anything else he could do (which to be fair is exactly what happened). But make no mistake: a brazen tirade will not get across the points you wish to make very well (if at all) and that especially goes when you're trying to cheat your target!

The conversation (as I could remember shortly after it) is below. At first I tried to turn the tables - making it as if he was calling ME for HELP - but this was (not too surprisingly) in vain. Shortly after I foretold his fate by asking:

Okay, what do you want me to do so I can prove you wrong?

What he was wrong about is me supposedly being ignorant and/or vulnerable enough to fall victim to his cowardly preying on others for a profit but also the fact nothing was wrong with my computer (although all these so-called tech support scammers know very well nothing will be wrong until they've tricked their victim).

So here is how it went from start to finish, as best as I can put to words. There was something about his accent and his near incomprehensible English which made it hard to follow completely. I also do not have the best hearing (while I'm not impaired I do have some difficulty and in particular my auditory processing isn't all that good). Furthermore, because I easily frustrated him (something of a talent of mine but it is especially easy when talking with complete idiots) and because he was desperate to prove himself (he did prove himself, admittedly, although not exactly as he intended), he made it worse: he was so desperate that he would not even let me finish a sentence before he went on to further try to show how important this call was to me. I had to raise my voice and the idiot did the same because apparently he was talking to a wall (a wall that has way more experience and intelligence than him at that, as hard as that may be to imagine). Ironically, if he actually listened rather than be so eager to scam someone, he would have found out that I knew far more than him, I have far more experience than him and that I don't even use any operating system he'd know a thing about. I told him these things more than once, even. Even when I raised my voice he decided to do the same to make sure his point was made and that I could not respond. I don't have any complaints of course, because scammers are best abused (rather than them cheating others).

Idiot: <Something unintelligible>

Me: What is it you need?

Idiot: <More gibberish>
At this point I thought I heard the word computer and combined with somewhat expecting it. I asked him to confirm it. He elaborated.

Me: I can help you with your computer if you really need but I do tend to charge quite high in these occasions.
I was attempting however futile it might have been to make it as if he was calling me for help like those who are actually in need do it (he does need help but he's unfortunately beyond help; these parasites are lost causes because they failed so severely in life).

Idiot:<Says something about how important the call is because my computer is at some horrible risk (apparently he's unable to figure out that my blunt response was more helpful to him than me.>

Me: Listen, I am way ahead of you, I have more experienced, guaranteed, and I don't use what you are expecting me to use.

Idiot: Isn't your computer a priority to you?
Or something to that effect. This is something he repeatedly said however he said it, just like I note above. I suppose he expected me to somehow think he had some knowledge I don't because after all I called him for help. But due to my ignorance he was trying to be helpful and continued to make me think my computer was at risk or had some problem.

I try to explain the above to him, again, in a slightly different way. He seems too eager to "help" me that he couldn't wait for me to finish what I had tried to tell him the first time, before he stupidly interrupted me then. Ironically if he isn't able to listen he also wouldn't be able to help. Of course, he isn't trying to help so perhaps he succeeded in one thing.

He goes on to tell me the same non-sense a couple more times and so I decide to play along with his game. He will regret this as you will see shortly!

Me: Okay, what do you want me to do so I can prove you wrong?
Yes, this is really how I worded it. One would think he would have taken a hint but he still was not listening and missed yet another hint which ultimately leads to HIM hanging up (but first launching a childish tirade). It also did exactly as I suggested: I would prove HIM wrong.

Idiot: <Asks me to go to my computer and I tell him I'm already there.>

Idiot: <Asks me if my computer is on to which I answer the same thing because clearly I like to look at a blank screen ...>

Idiot: <Tells me to look at the keyboard and questions to make sure I'm looking at it.>
I was so amused that I was looking at it slightly with my left eye - I was actually looking mostly away from the computer towards the phone but it was in sight (I have a very lazy left eye which which makes looking far to the left fairly easy). I lie and tell him I am looking at it (I knew what he wanted in the first place of course but I was having fun). Pretty dense to question whether I was sure I was looking at the keyboard. He ironically seems to believe I'm as stupid - or stupider - than he is (although he doesn't see it this way because it is beyond him).

Idiot: <Tells me to find the key on the left side of the keyboard and spells it out as 'C-T-R-L'.>

Me: You mean control. What about it?.
Obviously I was deliberately mocking him for not knowing what it is called and expecting anything from me other than what I already suggested (actually he was only trying to cheat me and so he really was oblivious to what was going on even though he thought he was in control at this point).

I knew what he wanted of course and he goes on to tell me to look at the right to find the Windows key. I continue playing his dirty game.

Me: I don't have a Windows key.
I really don't - I have the modern Model-M, that is Unicomp keyboard of that style and layout as well as similar mechanism; IBM sold the plans to Lexmark and later on Lexmark sold it to Unicomp... I think that was the order. Either way, Unicomp has the plans nowadays (perhaps it is more correct to say I have a Clicky keyboard and one without a Windows key).

Idiot: <Confused, asking me how I manage without the Windows key.>

Me: Like I told you, I'm an old-timer, I don't like the newer keyboards either, and as I pointed out I don't use what you expect me to be using and I have more experience than you. In fact, I have more experience in security above ground and under ground, than you (which I tried to tell you in the first place).
He proceeds to ask me what I use and I told him neither Windows nor Mac which leads to his pathetic tirade.

Idiot: You're fucking wasting my time! Fuck you!
Followed by an extremely pathetic, moronic childish tirade.

Me: I don't believe I am wasting your time as you called me. You are wasting MY time, aren't you? I didn't ask for your help.
The fact I gave him chances and hints - though admittedly subtle for the likes of brain dead people (though that might be giving him too much credit?) - makes this even more true.

Idiot: No, you are wasting my fucking time! Fuck you! *click*
He was unable to scam me but he was successful in one thing: showing how pathetic he is and how failed his life is; one who resorts to cheating the vulnerable for profit rather than trying to do even some good and working to achievement. A sad excuse for a human.

My only regret is I don't have a way to record calls and so I didn't get a recording of his idiocy. But make no mistake: these people are scum (I actually called him that early on but he was talking over me at the time), they are complete losers, they prey on the ignorant and it is quite obvious why: they are too stupid to do anything of value and only try to cheat. Indeed, he was very very slow with everything. I gave him ample reasons to not continue but he refused and so only then did I play along. Then of course he got furious at me. Good: I wasted his time (which is what I did want to do when I initially suggested I charge for helping him - after all, when was the last time you have unsolicited tech support that was legit? - but I got to have way more fun). So yes, I wasted his time but less time for him means less time for him to scam someone. I take that back, there is one other regret: rather than telling him I don't have a Windows key, I should have asked him what it looks like and therefore continue to have more fun with it.