• Scammer: This is [...] from [some computer support organisation, I presume].
  Oh dear. Another unethical, immoral arsehole who tries to cheat people out of money even when it causes them much grief and possibly much worse. I am not however vulnerable and it is my duty to waste their time.
• Me: Go on.
  Whilst it is my duty to waste their time I can't say I enjoy listening to the tosh - the same scaremongering routine they use for everyone who doesn't hang up on them immediately.
• Scammer: We've received signals that your computer has downloaded something bad for your computer.
  Something along those lines. I have a hard time understanding these people more than most but this is of course one of the things they like to claim: they're seeing activity from your computer that puts it at risk. I can't quite remember exactly what I said in response but he shortly after tells me to turn my computer on.
• Me: You told me that you're receiving bad signals from my computer but you've now asked me to turn my computer on. If my computer is off how can it be sending you signals?
  This is something I've written about before but never actually said to any of these scum. I went on saying it's physically impossible. He raised his voice and I raised mine louder so he could hear me the better. He finally had something new to say; new but frankly stupid.
• Scammer: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PHYSICS!
  Yes he really did shout and yes he said this exactly. You can just tell he's not sure how to react and only wants his way; the fact I'm denying him this supposed right is infuriating him. Good. But I consent and let him continue.
• Scammer: Is your computer on?
  A bit better: not so presumptuous. Of course it would be a bit late for anyone who can think rationally (and the fact he scaremongers means many probably aren't - if they even put together that their computer couldn't have sent signals if it was off).
• Me: Yes.
• Scammer: I'm going to show you what we're seeing.
  Really. I'm quite sure you will. Or more correctly you'll attempt to show me what you want me to see! It won't work though. I still play into his game.
• Me: Okay.
• Scammer: Look at the bottom left of your keyboard. You see the 'C-T-R-L', the control key?
  Of course the fool wants me to find what is to the right of it. I can't of course do this (not that it'd show what he wanted anyway since I don't run Windows). It's amusing isn't it that they assume everyone runs Windows, everyone has a Windows keyboard but yet there are many other operating systems and different keyboards; what if I was using a Mac? Would I have these features? Of course not! But that's beyond their recognition. He continues anyway and asks me if I see the Microsoft logo on the key to the immediate right. I play along and tell him I do indeed see it.
• Scammer: You need to hold the key down first.
  I knew what came next of course: he would tell me to hit the 'R' key whilst holding the Windows key down.
• Scammer: You then need to press the 'R' key.
  He asks me if I have done so and I tell him I have. He then asks me what I see.
• Me: The same thing as before.
  Truth. I did see the same thing as before: In fact I still had VLC up.
• Scammer: You must not be doing it right. You need to hold CTRL down whilst you hit 'R'.
  I tell him in fact I am doing this. You'd think he would have put together it by now - or you would like to think he'd have. But if he made any use of his neurons he'd not be doing what he's doing in the first place therefore mooting the entire point.
• Scammer: What browser are you using?
  I thought he asked this and I couldn't think of why he was asking me this. He clarifies and mentions 'Firefox'. I confirm that I 'usually' use Firefox. Perhaps I should have told him I use Lynx! Maybe next time... But amusingly I also mentioned to him that I've been having problems with my keyboard. Yet he then proceeds to tell me an address to type...
• Scammer: Go to the address bar and type what I tell you.
  Just like that. I'm sure that's really, really smart! He of course starts by saying 'W' 'W' 'W'. But he waits a while. And waits. He waited until I told him to go on. How slow does he think I type? Not that I was typing any of it in the first place...
• Scammer: He continues the URL.
  I of course pretend to be typing it. Though my keyboard is actually loud enough that if he knew he would have been able to know I wasn't typing anything (though I would have just typed something random in that case).
• Me: And? Did you want me to press enter?
  He has me read it off to him first. I tell him what he said (which I of course will not be documenting though I might look into it so as to maybe help get rid of it - if at all possible). He then tells me to press enter. He asks me what I see.
• Me: The same thing. I'm seeing Firefox.
  He still didn't get it! He questions me again and I tell him he wanted me to go to Firefox and type in an address. I did so (not really but for all he knew I did) and told him again that I'm still seeing Firefox. Of course I didn't even have Firefox open (notice he didn't ask me to open it though he did say to go to it that's not exactly the same thing).
• At this point he says something I couldn't quite discern. It was something to the effect of you don't have the problem with your computer (unlikely except the last thing he said to me makes me wonder) or otherwise that I'm not typing it into the computer.
• Scammer: Good luck to you. *hangs up*
  Brilliant. Yes I actually had one of these scammers say to me 'Good luck to you' when I just wasted his time and cheated him out of another victim (which he hoped would be me, of course). One might say that if he got angry he would have lost but I consider it a victory that I actually made him lose and then be nice to me about it. Oh yes. For someone who wanted to scam me - and cause me all sorts of problems in the process - I think it's quite a victory that he ended it politely!